I think everyone can agree that any recovery is difficult to go through. Whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. It’s never easy and they’re gonna be hiccups along every step of the way. The important thing is to not let yourself give in to just wanting to give up and say fuck it. That’s cliché as hell, I know. But that doesn’t change how true it is. Giving up is just as big a pain as continuing to try to recover is. Trust me.
However recovery from mental illnesses such as depression is a little different from recovering from physical ailments. For one, you can’t actually see your progress and how far you’ve come from where you’ve been. And to me that’s the most annoying part of it all. You don’t know how much better you are than you were.
See it goes something like this….
You start to recover right? Or at least that’s what you think. You can go most days and not feel as paralyzing numb as you used to. You can somewhat genuinely laugh and not stare off into the distance like a damned zombie in some cheesy movie. You can enjoy some of your favorite songs again. You may even start to get into some of your old hobbies. This can go on for either something as short as a few days or as long as a few years to be honest. And that? The time frame of how long it can go on is the single most frustrating part of trying to recover from depression
YOU NEVER FUCKING KNOW WHEN YOUR ACTUALLY GETTING BETTER
You walk around thinking “hey maybe I’m finally coming out of it and I can start my life again!” Only to have it come back and be almost as bad as it was when it peaked. Maybe you’ve tried to commit suicide and all of those feelings come back at once, and for no reason at all. Maybe you get the urge to start self harming again. You can feel the burn in your skin, like your remembering the first cut and feeling it all over again. It makes you shake, ready to scream because you don’t know what the hell you feel in that moment. You’re pissed because you thought you were past this and hadn’t felt that familiar burn in forever. You’re shaking because you feel like you’re on the edge of losing yourself all over again. You want to cry and scream because you thought you had made it so far and that you were over all of the bullshit. But obviously not.
And that only makes you feel worse. The feelings and thoughts of being such a fuck up and that something is wrong with you all come crashing back into you like a wave, and you can almost see the impending panic attack coming and you know that there is no way to stop it.
But WAIT! It get’s worse!
You see the panic attack coming, you feel like running. Where you don’t know and don’t care, you just know that if you slip now, you’ll lose yourself all over again. But what happens??? All of those feelings? They start to fade. You go back to feeling pretty okay, and living doesn’t seem like such a pain again. That familiar burn of self harm and the pull towards it fades as quickly as it came. You’re left a shivering, shaking, mess on the verge of tears, wondering what in the hell just happened and why. You try to go about the rest of the day like you didn’t just almost completely freak out but you know that people noticed and it bugs you even more.
But I’ll tell you something… That’s a part of recovering my friend. You get pushed back, but it’s about whether or not you decide to let the current take you, or you fight to breathe and tell the ocean it hits like a little bitch. Never let yourself drown. As long as you continue to fight, you haven’t lost yet, and if you need help, I’ll pick up a sword and fight with you. I love you guys. Don’t give up, you can make it, I promise.