I’ve been thinking like a lot lately. About a lot of things, mostly things that I’ll probably never find an answer for. What does it really mean to be human, what the fuck are we doing even doing here with this life we have, what comes after this, what am i even doing etc. Like i said, probably never will find the answer to that. But I’ve also been asking questions that maybe aren’t so deep. Most importantly, would i still even be considered “depressed”?
Like I’m not saying I’m super happy 24/7 now and that nothing bothers me cause that just wouldn’t be true at all. In fact it’d be a big damn lie. There’s still tons of shit that brings my high down constantly. But I’m doing a lot better than i was 2 years ago when i tried to commit suicide y’know? It makes me question whether or not i was actually even depressed in the first place or if i was just overwhelmed and weak. I don’t know anymore and it kinda bothers me. I’m definitely not saying i want to go back to being as bad as i was back then. I just….. wish i knew whether or not this was over, and not have to constantly worry about losing my shit again, going off the rails and trying to end it again.
Of course there are still “bad” days, but they’re nothing like they were back then, but that’s not the most confusing part for me. I think the most confusing this is that like almost every day, it’s annoying and kinda hard to get out of bed, but I can’t tell whether or not it’s just that I’m lazy or on the low depressed. It’s so fucking infuriating! I never know what’s coming and i always feel like I’m going insane when i think on it too far. I try not to think about it too much but when you have even a little bit of down time it’s kinda hard not to think about such things ya feel?
A lot of the worry also partially comes from me not taking meds anymore. After I graduated and moved out of my dads house, I immediately stopped taking them. I didn’t like them in the first place. They made me numb but the dark and gloominess of depression was still there. It was just easier not to show it. So after i left i stopped taking them and haven’t taken them since and i don’t plan on going back on them. Some people feel differently and anti-depressants. I just personally don’t wish to utilize them anymore. I think for me personally being out and living life, and hanging with people is a better…. “mood booster” for me.
Maybe I’m just worrying for nothing, I don’t know if any of you also share the same worries or not. Lemme know you guys thought in the comments. Love you all.