They loved you before you even had a concept of love. You clung to them when you had nightmares at night. They comforted you, held you, and rocked you back to a dreamless black and peaceful sleep that you don’t even remember falling into. They helped you learn to walk and read. They were you’re first supporters of everything that you said you wanted to do. Be a famous singer, an artist, the president even! They smiled and laughed at your young ambition, told you that you could be anything you wanted if you put your mind to it. They told you to be who you are and never let anyone take it from you. They took you to your first day of school and hugged you as if they didn’t want you to go at all. As if they were scared you’d suddenly grow up in an instant and they would’ve missed watching the flower you would bloom into. But then it all changed didn’t it?
All of a sudden the couple you had grown used to seeing together every day wasn’t there anymore. It was replaced with seeing one weekdays, and the other on the weekends. You were too young to understand it. But you don’t ask questions. They obviously still love you and give you lots of attention so you don’t really care. So you go with the routine. Wake up, school, come home, do homework with your primary parent, and play until the end of the day. Then on the weekends you hang out with the other parent and you just have a lot of fun. Then you start to realize that they’re acting different towards each other. You’re not really sure what it is, but you slowly notice that the smile and kiss that they used to greet each other with when they came home was replaced with straight faces, quiet “hellos”, maybe a hug and handing you off. You’re still too young to understand exactly what it all means.
Out of nowhere they both decide that they enjoy telling you stories about when you were younger. But the stories always differed depending on which parent told them. You don’t really get it, you just love having them pay attention to you and seeing that they love you. But then you’re older. Let’s say 16 or 17. That’s when you really start paying attention to and realizing everything. Your first realization: Both of your parents are alcoholics. They go through the day and work fine, but after work they go to their spot with their friends and drink and have fun. You start to recognize when they’re drunk simply from the smallest sounds in their voices. That’s how you know even from a phone call.
Whenever they get drunk and it’s just you two having “bonding time” they decide yet again to drag on and tell you the stories of your childhood that you’ve heard a hundred times over already. But since you’re older now you start realizing that the point of them telling you the stories repeatedly isn’t to just go down memory lane. No, you realize that within each of the stories they’re making the other parent sound like shit. You put the pieces together and realize that….. They’re actually trying to pit you against your other parent, and trying to cause you to fell ill feelings towards the other one. Although they try to cover it up by saying “I just want you to be aware of how … Unstable they really are”. You never really reply with words. Just a simple “hmph” like you’re contemplating their words when in reality you’re just hoping that they get tired from drinking so much and want to go to bed so you can scurry from the room and quickly as possible.
The same goes for the other parent. Only their drunken stupor is so much more severe. They don’t only rant off about how the other parent “ain’t shit but a liar who purposefully took you as far away from me as possible” but now they try to turn you against your own siblings. This is a new one for you because you’ve never gotten to really spend any time with your siblings. You’ve practically been separated all your life. But you do the same thing you did with the other parent. Silently listen, wishing more than anything that you could yank yourself away from all the negativity and tears that you know are soon to follow. But you suffer through it once again knowing it’ll all happen again the next day more than likely anyway. But then you turn 18. Nothing changes with you parents. But now it’s the rest of the family. You were the baby. So you were always shielded from everything. They kept SO many secrets from you to protect you from the very VERY dark side of your family that everybody fucking knows about but never speaks of. But now that you’re 18 suddenly everyone thinks you deserve to know the darkness that you’re parents share. The dark past of one side. The darkness that also runs through your own veins.
You’re confused, and hurt, and upset. But you keep all of this to yourself because, really who can you tell all the horrible shit you just heard to that would understand and wouldn’t look at you differently???….. Nobody. Not a single fucking soul. So you just sit and suffer in your own mind, hoping that you turn out to be nothing like your parents. Like your family. Like anybody who has the same blood as you. You beg and plead to any God that may be listening to help you turn out different until you’ve repeated the same lines everyday forever unsure whether or not someone is actually listening…….
SO this is actually an old post of mine. Like from early last year. I didn’t even realize how personal and dark I let my writing gets towards the ends. But I kinda like it. It reminds me of how I was feeling and how far I’ve gotten since then.
Hey guys. I don’t really know if any of you understand this post or if it even made sense. But something made my fingers type it, so I went with it. Let me know if you can relate at all, or if you have any questions in the comments below. Love you guys <3