Admit it, you honestly have no clue who you are right now. You’ve been fighting against your own mind for so long, you don’t know which pieces of your personality are actually yours and which ones aren’t. You’re absolutely lost on what to do when you’re at home on the couch bored because you don’t even know what you enjoy anymore. Depression took so much of your life that in all honesty you didn’t get a chance to grow up and live and enjoy your life. Whenever your friends ask if you want to come and hang out you’re stuck between desperately wanting human interaction and not wanting to seem boring because you might not have fun doing whatever activity was planned and you don’t want to ruin it for them.
The ultimate feeling of loneliness in a room full of people, is something you’ve gotten used to. Not because everybody abandoned you, and stopped being friends with you. But because that’s how you start to prefer it after a while. You don’t have a lot to talk about because the thoughts in your head overtake everything else, and all you end up being able to talk about is your depression. You realize that your friends feel awkward around you and they never know what to say, so you’d rather they just stay away completely before your depressive mood starts to eat away at them too.
You do this with everyone, family, friends, teachers, etc. until there’s no one left to push away. In the end you end up feeling lonelier than ever and there’s no one you can talk to about anything.
When your family is home you never really come out of your room except for dinner, or your parents called you for some reason. It’s not that you don’t like them or don’t want to be bothered necessarily. It’s just that you’re not really sure how to interact with them anymore. They either tip toe around your depression or try to pretend that it doesn’t exist or they’re constantly trying to show that they love you in an attempt to “fix you”. Not that showing love is a bad thing, but they end up exaggerating it and it doesn’t even feel genuine to you anymore. It just feels like they’re doing it in hopes you hurry up and go back to being “normal”.
You feel like a burden whenever you’re with someone, especially if it’s just you and one other person. You feel so awkward and you can practically feel the awkwardness floating through the air as the silence between you two deepens. With good intentions, they’ll try to get you to feel more comfortable, and relax, so you can talk and just enjoy time. However that won’t go as planned. You’ll give them one-word answers, and nods, and maybe a few half-smiles that aren’t in any way convincing them of anything. Eventually they’ll give up trying to make conversation and you’ll feel even worse because you’ve realized that you don’t really know how to interact with anybody anymore.
Nothing is worse than trying to be social and having depression. The two just don’t mix on any level, which leaves you stuck in a sort of limbo. Begging to have any human communication but not really wanting it at the same time. You live in a contradiction and have absolutely no clue how to fix it or what to do about it. So you go day by day idly moving through not really sure of what to make of your existence or anyone’s existence anymore for that matter. You’re like a ghost, whose soul can’t find peace. It’s a very lonely road to live on.
This is the cycle you live over and over again, begging for someone to help save you because you can’t save yourself, but pushing everyone away at the same time because you don’t know how to deal with them. Eventually you grow out of it, but the experience (which feels like a lifetime by now) changes you in ways you can never really judge. But one thing you will always remember is the way it felt to be alone in a room full of people.